Frequently Asked Questions

Yeah, yeah, you’re getting married. But let’s get down to brass tacks. Is Mollie taking Brad’s last name? 

Brad and Mollie care deeply about adherence to ninth century English common law, and therefore, Brad will be assuming Mollie’s surname. Through their union, he will officially become her property, to have and to hold, and possibly to sell to the highest bidder. His dowry consisted of a temperamental German Shepherd, several house plants, and an inimitable repertoire of dad jokes. 

…Are you serious?

No. But if you’d like to have a say in the matter, please respond to the poll below:

I see that the dress code is “barn chic.” What does that mean?

Acceptable attire includes, but is not limited to, cocktail dresses, suits, jumpsuits, ballgowns, onesies, Canadian tuxedos, recycled bridesmaid dresses, hot pants, sequined coveralls, recycled bridesmaid wedding dresses, and graduation regalia. If you’re thinking, “I’ll wear my best fashion tee to this wedding!” then you’re so lucky you were invited to this thing. I mean, c’mon. 

NOTE: All patrons in track suits will be asked to dine outside with the buffalo.

There are going to be buffalo at the wedding!?

Yes! Well, maybe. The Barn at Evergreen Memorial Park sits adjacent to grazing space for several animals, including buffalo, elk, goats, and yak. Brad and Mollie have naturally extended invitations to all of their mountain animal neighbors, though buffalo are notorious for ghosting their commitments. 

What exactly is a yak again?

I thought I was best friends with Brad and/or Mollie but I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid/groomsman and now I’m second guessing everything I ever thought I knew. 

Brad and Mollie love all of their best friends equally and trying to choose among them is like trying to choose a favorite donut. All donuts are precious, and how are they possibly supposed to select a sub-group of elite donuts when all the other donuts are just as important to them? Sure, they love custard donuts and cake donuts, but sometimes they want to spend quality time with a few apple fritters. And sure, for a while they lost touch with the old fashioned donuts, but they grew up with old fashioned donuts and those old fashioned donuts were there for them through braces and school dances and rollerblading accidents and gosh darnit, all they really want to do is scoop up all those donuts and shower them with love, and then eat every last one of them.

This got weird. I don’t want to be in the wedding party anymore.

Cool. Cool cool cool.

So who all is coming to the wedding? I’m worried I won’t know anyone, this shindig is all the way across the county in “Mountain Standard Time”, and why did they move to Co-lo-RAD-o anyway? 

Your efforts to attend are greatly appreciated. Colorado has plenty to offer, and this wedding will have something for everyone:

Baby Boomers and Baby Bearers will appreciate our 9pm last call and access to a nearby petting zoo, which will include GOATS! Kiddos LOVE goats! RIGHT!?

Joe Six-Packs will love our selection of local Colorado brews, classic hits by Jon Bon Jovi, and, naturally, our inevitable singalong to “Wagon Wheel” by Old Crow Medicine Show, and then also by Darius Rucker.

Trekkers and Trotters will bask in the natural beauty of the Rocky Mountains, which offer endless hiking and camping options replete with agitated mountain lions and deadly thunderstorms that roll in daily around noon. Nature! So fun...until it maims or murders you.

Coastal Elites, AKA Godless Unpatriotic Pierced-Nose Volvo-Driving France-Loving Left-Wing Communist Latte-Sucking Tofu-Chomping Holistic-Wacko Neurotic Vegan Weenie Perverts, will be pleased by our vegetarian-friendly, sustainable dining options. 

Mustachioed Tycoons will relish the opportunity to swindle equity from an almost-literally-captive audience in order to deviously acquire and plunder the expansive, pristine lands of Evergreen Memorial Park. 

Self-proclaimed “Instagram Influencers” will enjoy...not being invited to our wedding. 

Our “perfect day” won’t be perfect without you!

Where can I find the registry? 

Nowhere. Brad and Mollie kindly request that you refrain from buying any wedding gifts for them. They are asking all of their friends and family to fly to Colorado to celebrate with them, and the gift of your presence is present enough.

But I really want to buy them a gift.

Should you feel the strong urge to capitulate to the social norms imprinted in your prefrontal cortex by our corporate overlords and their capitalistic malarky, don’t.

But my love language is gifts! Accept my love!

Okay. If you really, truly cannot find happiness unless you give Brad and Mollie a gift, you may make a charitable donation to one of their designated causes, available under the “Registry” tab. 

…They’re just doing this to make the rest of us feel bad, aren’t they? 

Hahahahahaha. Absolutely. 

I’ve heard that Denver is situated at 5,280 ft above sea level. Will I get “Rocky Mountain High”? 

Yes, in a sense. There are several benefits to living in the Mile High City, such as an arid climate with virtually no humidity and access to beautiful mountain scapes perfect for endless outdoor recreational opportunities. One of the downfalls is that, at 5,280 feet, there’s less oxygen. You should prepare for your stay by consuming plenty of water and refraining from guzzling shots of Jameson. We don’t care how much tolerance you have of how much body mass you carry, altitude sickness is a real thing. Seriously, drink plenty of water the day of your arrival and keep on drinking! 

I’m exhausted. Anything else? 

Yes! We strongly recommend you learn The Hustle.